The Squid and the Dagger
by writeallnight
Summary: A collection of stories from The Squid and the Dagger ranging from the humorous to the melancholy.
1. Origins

A/N: WE HAVE THE NAME OF THE BAR! I could cry. Bless whichever writer took pity on the fanfic community and randomly gave us the name during "Hail Mary." But of course it begs the question, what the hell Deeks?! I answered it for you. You're welcome.

* * *

"Babe! Kensi!"

Deeks' cry was so sharp and sudden that Monty jumped up from where he'd been snuggled into Kensi's side on the couch and began barking like crazy. "Deeks?" she put down her book as he barreled down the stairs at top speed. "Are you all right? What's wrong?"

"Babe, baby I've got it!" He dropped next to her on the couch and grabbed her hands.

"What? You've got what?"

He took a breath. "Okay, are you ready?"

"Deeks, what the hell is going on?"

"I know the name of the bar."

That wasn't what she'd been expecting at all. She wrinkled her nose. "I thought you'd already named the bar."

"No I didn't."

"Yes, you did. Last week you came down here and said you were going to call it 'Deeks' Bar' because you couldn't think of anything else and the paperwork had to go in or you wouldn't be ready for the grand opening."

"No, no, no, I was overwhelmed and stressed and made that decision in haste. But the good news is I checked and I can refile all the paperwork with a rush fee and still get it done in time."

"Oh, okay," Kensi said, still slightly confused. Deeks had become somewhat manic and unrecognizable when working on the bar and she'd learned to just nod and smile at whatever harebrained scheme he came up. And there had been many.

He'd wanted a petting zoo. Then a mixed martial arts night. Then he'd changed his mind about a bar at all and decided to turn it into a surf school. Then it was back to a bar but a secret one, like a speakeasy, hidden behind a phone booth and when Sam had told him it was a dumb idea he'd switched back to a regular bar with a normal door and turtle races.

It was a enough to make her head spin and at this point she sincerely believed they would never see a penny of profit from the money pit Deeks had bought; but he was so happy and adorable she just couldn't deny him after all they'd been through in the last couple years.

So support and encouragement it was with every new twist and turn, including tonight's latest installment of, "I know what to name the bar!"

"I'm listening," she said, giving him her full attention. "Tell me."

"Are you sure? This is the one you know."

"I know. Go ahead."

"The Squid and the Dagger." He raised his eyebrows. "Huh? Good right?"

"Very funny. What's the real name?"

"That is the real name."

"The Squid and the Dagger?"

"You don't like it?"

"No, no baby, I love it," she said hastily at the flash of hurt in his eyes. "I just…what does it…mean?"

"Well you know I want kind of an ocean casual theme for the bar."

She did know. She also knew she had no idea what the hell that meant except there was going to be a giant fish on the wall. "Yep."

"So it's kind of pirate-y and ocean-y and it represents both of us!"

"Both of—I'm sorry, how?" she asked, confused.

"How what?"

"How does it represent both of us?"

"You don't get it?!" Deeks cried.

"Well I'm the squi—" she watched his face carefully, "-agger. I'm the dagger right?" Good god she hoped she was the dagger.

"Obviously. My badass wife with all her knives and ninja skills. You're definitely the dagger."

"Which makes you the…squid?"

"Um yeah."

"Because…you have eight arms and are delicious when fried?" she guessed.

"No, because squids are an enigma! A mystery. There's a lot we don't know about them."

"Well it's true there's a lot we don't know about you." Like why, for example, her he'd suddenly decided to equate himself to one of earth's weirdest creatures.

"You know what else? Squids have three hearts. It's a metaphor for our relationship. Like we show each other all three of our hearts and that's what makes us so special."

Now he'd really lost her. "Deeks, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Seriously? The Paul Angelo case. With the 'three hearts' talk? One for people, one for family, and the one only you see?"

She shook her head. "Not ringing a bell."

"Are you kidding me? That was a pivotal moment in our relationship! You don't remember that?"

"Was Paul Angelo a suspect or a victim?"

"Kensi!"

"I'm sorry! Deeks, we've had a lot of cases over the years. You can't expect me to remember all of them."

"Well not all of them, but the ones that were meaningful!"

She was truly wracking her brain for any connection to Paul Angelo and coming up completely blank. "I remember the day I met you," she said sweetly, hoping to distract him.

"Well, yeah. Of course you do. You were into me."

"Yes, absolutely. And the case where we went undercover as Justin and Melissa."

"A classic. You were also into me then."

"And I remember all the Kirkin cases," she said with a grin.

He winced. "Those you can definitely forget."

"Nope. Seared into my brain for all time. You sure you don't want to name the place Anatoli's? It can be a metaphor for his unrequited love for you."

"You hate the name," he accused, catching onto her game.

"No, oh baby no!" She grabbed his hand as he tried to get up. "No, I'm sorry. It's a good name. Very…unique."

"Right? It's going to stand out against all the LA competition."

"It will definitely stand out," she echoed confidently.

"Okay, I'm going to go get started on the new paperwork." He leaned forward and kissed her quickly. "It's going to be great!"

He bolted back upstairs and Kensi looked down at Monty. "Should we just let him have his fun?" she asked.

He gave a sharp bark and she smiled, ruffling his ears. "I'll take that as a yes."

* * *

A/N: If you have a different/better explanation I'd love to hear it! Leave your reasoning and love in the reviews!


	2. Halloween 2019

A/N: So this story was just supposed to be a fun, little one shot but I was talking to raccoonsmate4life on Tumblr and now I feel like it must be an ongoing thing. I give you...Halloween at The Squid and the Dagger!

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"Ghostbusters" was blasting at full volume over the speakers at The Squid and the Dagger and Deeks had never been more pleased that he'd gone with the really good sound system. The place was packed for their Halloween event. Deeks hadn't seen the receipts for the night yet, but he was pretty sure they were about to exceed all their previous weeks since opening. They had finally made it.

"Babe! Your mom wants to know if there's more vodka in the back," Kensi called from the kitchen door.

He grinned as he looked at her. He was going to remember her Wonder Woman costume for a long time. Definitely going down in history as one of his favorites. He was pretty sure she was into his Superman costume too. She'd told him as much with a saucy little hip wiggle before they left the house and it had almost made him call the whole thing off so they could have their own private party at home.

But there was money to be made and fun to be had so off they'd gone to the bar. His mom was mixing drinks tonight, dressed as a witch along with three other bartenders they'd managed to rustle up. It turned out his mother was surprisingly good at hiring new people and immediately engendering their loyalty. Apparently they thought she was funny and nice. Who knew?

"Yeah top shelf," he told Kensi and she disappeared to find it.

He watched her go with a pang of longing and almost started to follow her when he heard someone calling his name. "Nell! Hey, you made it." He frowned as he tried to figure out her costume. "You're a…you?" he guessed.

She sighed. "No I'm Penny. From Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Eric was supposed to be Dr. Horrible but he ended up having to stay at work. He wanted me to tell you he's sorry."

Deeks had gotten lost somewhere around the word "Sing-a-long" but he nodded like he understood. "Bummer. Halloween without the Beale is barely a party at all."

"Tell me about it." She looked so sad Deeks almost hugged her on the spot. He knew things had been rough lately. She'd spent more than one night in their guest room during the last few weeks. He didn't quite know all the details like Kensi did, but he'd gotten the gist of it. She was hurting, but tonight they were going to make sure she had some fun.

"Let's get you a drink," he said. "Mama! Get this lady some Halloween punch!"

"Coming right up!" Roberta declared.

"Hey Nell!" Kensi handed a couple bottles of vodka to one of the bartenders and then joined them. "You're…modern Snow White?"

"Penny from…" Nell shook her head. "You know what. Never mind. How's that punch coming Mrs. Deeks?"

She slipped past them to the bar. "She misses Eric," Kensi said.

"Yeah, we all do," Deeks said.

The door opened and Sam entered the room, nodding when he spotted them. "Sam, my man!" Deeks said, giving him a handshake. "Glad you came."

"You said free booze so here I am," Sam said. "Kens, you look great."

"And you look…like a rapper?" Kensi guessed.

Sam held up the gold chain around his neck and grinned. "You got it."

"So you basically put your own clothes on and added a chain and a beanie? That's not very creative," Deeks said skeptically.

"I didn't come here to win the costume contest. I came for drinks. Can you make that happen or not?" Sam asked.

"Coming right up," Deeks said, grabbing him a beer.

"Where's Callen?" Sam asked.

"Not down here yet," Kensi said. "Maybe we should go up and knock on his door."

"No need." Callen appeared beside them.

Deeks frowned. "Do none of you care that this is a Halloween party? Why did nobody wear a real costume?"

"I am wearing a costume," Callen said in that slightly lofty tone he sometimes got when he thought he was going to be funny.

"Really?" Kensi said, taking in his checkered shirt and jeans. "Because you just look like you."

"I'm a plumber." He pulled a wrench from his belt. "See? I've got a prop and everything."

"That's my wrench," Deeks said. "It has a 'Property of the S and D' label on it."

"Huh," Callen said. "Well maybe if my landlord fixed the toilet like I asked I wouldn't have needed it."

"I told you someone's coming out tomorrow!" Deeks said.

"Well there's no point in sending somebody now," Callen said. "I already fixed it."

"Hey Callen," Nell said rejoining them, drink in hand. "Nice…wrench?"

"I'm a plumber," Callen said.

"We need new friends," Deeks said to Kensi.

"Or just more drinks," Kensi told him, reaching for a bottle of scotch.

"You'd think with all the time we spend around Hetty you all would have gotten a little more creative," Deeks said pointedly.

"There's a reason we have Hetty for that part of the job," Sam said with a shrug. "Besides, we're always dressing up in costumes at work anyway. Takes away some of the joy of doing it off the clock."

"I don't know, I still think it's fun," said a voice from behind them.

"Eric!" Nell launched herself at her boyfriend who was wearing a lab coat and goggles. "You came!"

"I caught a last minute flight," he said. "I just…needed to be home for a bit."

Nell grinned up and him and Deeks found himself seeking Kensi's hand. She smiled at him and leaned a little closer.

"Now _that_ is a costume," Deeks said. "I don't know what it is, but at least it's not your own clothes. Glad you're here Beale."

"Me too," he said with a grin. "Did I hear something about free drinks?"

"Yes, yes you did," Deeks said, pouring him a glass of the scotch Kensi had found. He raised his own glass. "Happy Halloween everybody!"

"Happy Halloween!" they echoed.

* * *

A/N: I literally wrote this in like half an hour and barely edited it so you know. That's how it goes sometimes. Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Flea Market Finds

A/N: In the lovely community of people I chat with on Tumblr a question has been raised about a framed photo that sits behind the bar at The Squid and the Dagger. Some say it looks like Turk. I say there's a story there. And so this headcanon was born. Enjoy!

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"Whhhhhhy are we here so early?" Kensi moaned, dragging her feet in the dirt as she trudged behind Deeks.

"Because we have to get here first before all the good stuff is gone," Deeks said, stopping to pick through a bin of old watches.

Kensi wrinkled her nose and held up a shoe that looked like it had been chewed by a dog. "This is the good stuff?"

"Well not that." Deeks took it from her and moved onto the next booth. "You've gotta dig for it babe. See, look at this!" He held up a bent and slightly dented pitcher.

Deeks had dragged her out of bed early on Saturday morning to shop for bar decor at the flea market. He'd lured her with the promise of donuts and coffee. The latter he'd given her in the car. The former would apparently be coming once he'd completed his shopping. Kensi was considering taking his keys and going without him.

"Baby, we have money for this. Why can't we just buy new stuff _not _at the crack of dawn?" Kensi asked.

"That's not the vibe of the Drinking Dingo."

Kensi winced but refused to comment on the latest bar name. She'd learned to pick her battles on that one. "We want things that say sophisticated but chill," he continued, looking critically at a box of cassette tapes. "Homey, but a little bit formal with just a hint of nautical."

She was cancelling their cable. There had clearly been too many late night HGTV binges lately. "Maybe it would help me if you told me what you were looking for specifically."

"I don't know. I'm just going to wait for it to speak to me."

"Of course you are," she sighed as he made a beeline for a booth advertising individual portraits made of seashells.

"Babe, look at this!" He waved a frame holding two seashell dolphins in the air.

"So great!" She gave him a thumbs up and then shook her head when he looked away. She was supposed to be the hoarder in the relationship. Apparently she'd rubbed off on him. Damn it.

An hour and a half later they'd picked up a variety of glassware, some vintage toys, and a massive mounted fake shark. Deeks had already loaded everything into the bed of the truck and was eagerly shopping around for more. Kensi was pretty sure the inside of the bar was going to resemble an Applebee's circa 1996.

He'd passed over a GIGANTIC barrel because he couldn't physically lift it, she'd made him pass on an antique clown painting, and they'd both agreed against the creepy, haunted looking dolls in the last booth they'd visited.

"Does this speak to you?" Kensi asked cheekily, picking up a framed eight by ten photo of a smiling man. "It looks kind of like Turk. If Turk ever smiled."

Deeks laughed as he took it from her. "It does look like Turk. How much?" he asked the seller.

"Deeks I was kidding," Kensi said. "You can't put a random picture of a guy you don't know in your bar."

"Why not?" Deeks asked. "It's a great conversation piece. Everyone'll ask who it is and I'll tell 'em it's my Great Uncle Edgar who died tragically on a safari in Africa. I'll give you two bucks for it," he told the seller.

"Sold."

"And that's how that picture ended up behind the bar," Kensi told Nell six months later.

"Sounds like Deeks," Nell said with a smile.

"What sounds like me?" Deeks appeared from the backroom, drying a glass.

"I was just asking Kensi about that picture back there." Nell nodded toward the frame as she took a sip of her beer.

"Oh! Captain Irvine Wellesley? Died wrestling an octopus that had taken over his ship," Deeks threw over his shoulder as he began organizing bottles.

"Seems like quite a guy," Nell said, exchanging smiles with Kensi. "Any relation to Great Uncle Edgar?"

"Third cousins."

Kensi rolled her eyes. "Give it up Nell. He can go on for hours."

Deeks turned around and grinned at them. "Want to hear about the time he lived in a coyote den for two years?"

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading my silly nonsense! Leave your love in the reviews!


	4. Teamsgiving 2019

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has loved on this fic so far. I love writing the full team so I just couldn't resist doing it for Thanksgiving. Plus an appearance from a very special friend. Enjoy!

* * *

"Ma! Mama!" Deeks bellowed from the bar dining room.

"Martin, how many times do I have to tell you not to yell for your mother?" Roberta stepped out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. "If you need me, come find me."

Deeks was not in the mood for a lecture. "What the hell is this?" He gestured at the long dining table running through the middle of the room.

"It's a table Martin. A table that I helped you set this morning."

"No, I mean _this_!" He thrust a butter dish at her with a frown on his face.

"Oh that. I ran out of butter for the potatoes so I used a little."

"A little?! Mama, you beheaded him!" Sure enough, the tiny, turkey-shaped butter was headless.

"Well he's just going to get eaten anyway. What's the big deal if he lost his noggin a little early?"

"I can't serve headless turkeys to our guests!"

"Well I hate to break this to you dear, but the turkey currently in the oven is also headless. I'm sure no one will mind." She patted his cheek and turned to go. "And if you'd like me to finish cooking said turkey, I'd suggest you refrain from any more criticism!"

Both his mother and Kensi had encouraged him to give up the idea of hosting a "teamsgiving" at the bar, citing that the kitchen was too small to cook for the number of people invited. He'd plowed ahead anyway, stating that he had a second kitchen upstairs. It didn't matter that Callen lived in the same room as that kitchen. He was sure their team leader wouldn't mind.

As it turned out Callen did mind, but after a lot of smooth talking and several promises for updates to other things in the apartment, he'd given in. Deeks had left him babysitting the stuffing and gravy while he'd gone downstairs to check on his mother, the butter-turkey murderer. Deeks glared down at the offending bird and then set it down on the table in disgust. His first problem had been allowing anybody else to help with this dinner. Clearly no one knew what they were doing.

His second problem was that Kensi wasn't there yet with the pies. He checked his watch and then pulled out his phone to text her just as she walked in the door. "Babe, where have you been? I thought you'd be here like an hour ago," Deeks said as she set several boxes on the side table.

"Sorry," she gave him a peck on the cheek. "The pies took longer to bake than I thought."

The word "bake" sent a trickle of fear down Deeks' spine. "Bake? What do you mean bake? I thought you were picking the pies up at the store."

"Well I was going to," she told him. "But then I thought, how hard could a pie be? It's just a crust with stuff in it."

"Oh no. No, no, no." Deeks put his hands on her cheeks, squishing them together. "Kensi. Kensalina. My darling wife. Tell me, _tell me,_ that you did not bake these pies on your own."

She swatted him away and glared in annoyance. "Yes, Deeks, I baked the pies. And you're welcome."

"But Kens, you can't bake," Deeks said weakly. "Remember the Christmas cookie incident of 2018? And the brownie debacle of 2017? I can still smell the smoke when I open the cabinet over the stove."

Kensi huffed. "I just wanted to give it a try. See? Look. They're fine."

They did look okay, all three of them lined up inside the boxes she'd brought in. Deeks swallowed his panic and tried to move on. "Okay. Okay fine. It's fine. We have lots of ice cream anyway. That will cover up whatever these taste like."

Kensi's glare turned even stonier. "You know, for someone hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, you're not being very thankful."

"I just want things to be perfect!" Deeks said.

"Yeah, well, maybe you should think about the true meaning of the holiday." She headed for the stairs.

"Where are you going? You said you'd help me get the drinks ready!"

"I'm going to see if Callen needs any help!"

She opened the upstairs door without knocking and slammed it shut behind her.

Deeks was left to make his Thanksgiving cocktails on his own. He'd just barely finished with the last glass when the door to the bar opened and Nell and Eric came in. "Hey! Welcome!" Deeks rushed over and took the casserole dish from Nell. "Welcome to Teamsgiving!"

"We're glad to be here," Nell said. "That's sweet potato casserole. It should go in the oven until we're ready to eat."

"I'll take that." Roberta appeared and whisked the dish away into the kitchen. "I'll just see what I can move around in here to get it in!" she yelled pointedly at her son as she walked past.

"Can we help with anything?" Eric asked as Deeks handed them each a drink. "I'm an excellent dishwasher."

"No, just come on in, relax, enjoy yourselves. Sam should be by any minute and Callen's just upstairs—"

The door opened again and Sam came in, but he wasn't alone. "What's up Deeks?" he said with a grin. "I hope you don't mind, I brought a friend."

"Katherine. What a surprise," Deeks said, his mind mentally calculating exactly how many dinner rolls that left per person. "Come in. The more the merrier!"

He pressed drinks into their hands as Callen and Kensi came downstairs bearing the gravy and stuffing. "Well hello Katherine," Callen said with a gigantic smirk on his face. "Good to see you. Did we know you were coming?"

"Well I never say no to pie," she told him.

"You might say it this time," Deeks muttered, glancing at Kensi to make sure she hadn't heard.

The door opened a third time and Hetty strolled in, her eyes taking a critical look around the room. "Well, this is quite the establishment Mr. Deeks," she said. "I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come and see it for myself."

"Hetty! What can I get you?" Deeks asked. "Whiskey?"

"I prefer scotch please. Neat."

"Coming right up."

"Turkey's done!" Roberta shouted from the kitchen. A few seconds later she appeared, bearing a gigantic tray "Everybody get settled down while it's hot."

As they scraped their chairs back to get seated there was a knock on the door. Deeks looked around the room counting people and then at Kensi who shrugged. "We're all here, right?" Callen said, as the knock sounded again.

"Oh that's for me." Roberta fluffed her hair, and straightened her dress. "I invited a guest."

"A guest? Mama, you didn't tell me about this, we're not going to have enough rolls!" Deeks hissed as she walked by him and opened the door. "Well hello AK!" she crooned. "Come inside."

"I have brought best vodka for team Thanksgiving celebration," an extremely familiar voice boomed.

Every eye at the table widened. "No," Deeks whispered. "Oh god no."

"Hello friends!" Arkady Kolcheck himself stepped through the door, a broad smile on his face, the bottle of aforementioned vodka held high. "I am come to celebrate this beautiful American holiday with you!"

Callen turned a pointed look at Deeks. "Did you know about this?"

Deeks shook his head. He could feel tension creeping into his shoulders. "I did not. But I think I'll turn in my badge because I definitely should have anticipated it."

"Sit right here by me AK," Roberta said, ushering him to a chair.

"Oh no." He pulled out her chair with a dramatic flair. "It is always the ladies first my Robbie."

Kensi wrinkled her nose. "Did you know your mom and Arkady had nicknames for each other?"

"No, I did not and I wish I still did not," Deeks said, pouring himself a very large glass of wine.

"But I see one friend I do not know," Arkady said once he was settled. "Hello lovely lady. I am Arkady Kolcheck, best friend of G Callen—"

"No." Callen shook his head.

"—And good friend to rest of NCIS team," Arkady said. "And you are?"

"I'm Katherine," she said. "A friend of Sam's."

Arkady's eyes immediately began to sparkle. "Oh, a special lady friend. If you have any questions about my good friend Sam Hanna, I am happy to answer them. We have known each other many, many years now."

"I don't want to sit across from him all night," Sam said immediately.

"Well I'm not sitting across from him," Callen said.

"That's enough from the two of you," Hetty said from the head of the table. "We are all here to have a good time together. Mr. Deeks I think a toast is in order."

The senior agents settled back into their seats with a grumble. Deeks saw Eric and Nell exchange amused looks before both taking large sips from their glasses. "Ah, well thank you Hetty," Deeks said. "And thank you everyone for coming. It's uh, it's truly a gift to have you all here."

He glanced down at Kensi. She took his hand and squeezed it, all pie comments forgiven. He looked around the table, taking in every face he saw. The faces of his friends. The faces of his family, such as they were. Ten years ago he never would have imagined something like this. And today, he had it all. "I couldn't ask for a better group of people to share a table and a life with. I know I don't just speak for myself when I say, everyone in this room has earned their spot here, one way or another. And I'm grateful for every, single one of you." He cleared his throat. "So let's eat."

It turned out having two extra people around didn't damage the mood of the evening after all. The drinks flowed freely and so did the conversation. Katherine was actually a lot of fun and Eric and Nell were completely on board with Arkady dragging out the karaoke machine and breaking into "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" halfway through dinner.

"Okay, here you go," Kensi said, serving up pie as the evening grew late.

"This looks great Kensi," Callen said.

"I can smell all the cinnamon and spices," Eric said, taking a bite.

His face changed immediately and he began to chew very slowly. Callen also took a forkful, his eyes widening in obvious discomfort.

Kensi was oblivious to the sudden mood change around the table as one after another, everyone took a bite of pie. That was, until Arkady tucked into his piece. He choked and spat it into a napkin.

Kensi's jaw dropped. "Seriously Arkady?"

"I'm sorry Kensi, but that is horseshit," Arkady told her bluntly.

"Well it might not be top of the line but it can't be that bad." She plopped herself down next to Deeks and took a big forkful. Her eyebrows shot up and she looked at her husband. "I must have mixed up the salt and the sugar," she said guiltily.

He shook his head. Only Kensi. "Sorry?" she said, not looking particularly apologetic at all.

He kissed the top of her head. "It's all right."

"No it's not. I want dessert," Callen said.

"There's ice cream in the freezer. Help yourself," Deeks said.

"I'll get it!" Eric shot out of his chair. "I spent many days in my youth working at a Coldstone Creamery."

"I don't know what the hell any of that means, but I'll have vanilla," Sam said.

"Vanilla?" Katherine asked skeptically. "You're asking for the most boring flavor?"

"I will take a hot cup of tea instead Mr. Beale," Hetty requested.

"I'll help." Nell got up and started clearing plates as Roberta did the same.

Deeks settled back into his chair, Kensi rested her head on his shoulder and he put an arm around her. It might not have been a perfect Teamsgiving, but it turned out it was exactly the one he'd always wanted.

* * *

A/N: Arkady might be my favorite person to write ever. He just explodes onto the page and I laugh the whole time. I hope you enjoyed it. Happy Thanksgiving to all those celebrating!


	5. Nell-f on the Shelf

A/N: I am truly sorry. This might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. I don't even know. Yikes.

* * *

"Holy—Oh my god!"

The yell came from the bar and made Deeks immediately drop what he was doing in the kitchen. "Kens," he called as he walked through the swinging door into the dining area. "You okay?"

"Deeks, what the HELL is that?" Kensi asked, clutching a hand to her chest.

Deeks followed her eyes behind the bar. "Oh. That's my Nell-f on the Shelf."

"Your what?"

"Nell-f on the Shelf. I made it up. I thought it was funny."

"It looks like it came from hell, not the North Pole," Kensi told him. "Where did you get it?"

"I ordered it from Etsy. It was kind of expensive too."

The doll in question was sitting prominently on a shelf behind the bar, wearing the familiar red pajamas and hat of the popular elf, but the face had been reshaped and painted to resemble…well, possibly their resident tech nerd, if she'd suffered some truly tragic facial injuries.

"Take it down!" Kensi ordered.

"No way! It's a fun holiday decoration," he said, offended. "Besides, if you touch it, it loses its magic."

"I don't want it to have magic. If it has magic it'll go upstairs and murder Callen in his sleep and then come after us. You've created our own holiday horror movie."

"It's cute."

"It's hideous. It looks like it's best friends with Chuckie. Take. It. Down."

Deeks wasn't giving up so easily. "It was forty-five bucks plus shipping!" he protested. "The shop came highly rated."

"I don't care if it was a million dollars. That thing is going to drive all our customers away."

"Or," Deeks held up a finger, "it will be a conversation piece and bring in lots of new Squiddies."

Kensi winced. "I hate that you call our regulars that."

"Ah, but they love it. Hence why I should make the decision about the Nell-f. I know what the people want."

"If you know what's good for you, you'll do what your wife wants."

"Not this time Fern. The Nell-f stays."

She glared at him and pulled out her phone. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Getting a second opinion."

Moments later footsteps descended the staircase and Callen appeared. "I thought we all agreed that you couldn't call me to be a tie breaker in your arguments anymore," he said.

"Yeah, this is more than an argument," Kensi said, stepping aside so he could see the horror behind the bar.

"Whoa!" His hand went to his hip but he managed to recover before actually drawing his weapon. "Is that a…what the hell is that?"

"It's a Nell-f on the Shelf," Deeks said again in exasperation.

"Did you put it through a blender?" Callen asked, unable to take his eyes off it.

"Wow, you two are no fun. Santa's bringing coal for your stockings," Deeks huffed as he headed back to the kitchen. "Don't touch my Nell-f!"

Two days later the team had finished up for the night and decided to stop for a quick drink before they went their separate ways for the holidays. It was late and the bar had closed an hour earlier so they had the place to themselves. The room was lit only with the Christmas lights Deeks had put up when they walked in. "Who's ready for the Squid and Dagger holiday specialty cocktail?" Deeks asked as he snapped on the bar lights.

"Ah!" Eric yelled.

Nell jumped in surprise. "Eric what—" her eyes found the object of his terror and she grabbed his arm. "Holy shit!"

"Deeks what the fuck is that?" Sam asked, his voice low and dangerous.

"Oh I forgot three of you haven't seen the Nell-f yet," Deeks said.

"Is that…" Nell swallowed, her eyes wide with horror. "Is that supposed to be me?"

"Yep. Custom made Nellvarine-style elf."

"Drown it," Eric said.

"Burn it," Sam suggested.

"Take it down!" Nell said. "Deeks I can't believe you've been letting people look at that."

"We tried to tell him," Callen said, taking a sip of his beer.

"Guys, I don't see what the big deal is. It's a funny holiday tchotchke," Deeks said, reaching for a couple of bottles.

"Deeks I'm serious, if you don't take that thing down right now, I will," Nell threatened, but she looked apprehensive at the thought of touching it.

"Wasn't it on the bottom shelf yesterday?" Kensi said warily.

Deeks shrugged. "Mama probably moved it when she was cleaning."

"Since when does your mother clean anything?" Kensi asked.

"Well one of the other bartenders then."

"I happen to know that none of the other bartenders want to be alone in the room with that thing, let alone touch it," Callen told him.

"Ah!" Eric yelled again. "It moved!"

"Guys come on," Deeks said. "It's a toy. It can't move by its—"

The doll fell off the shelf and onto the floor. The entire team took a giant step back, huddling together against the pool table. Deeks vaulted over the bar. "Holy shit," he said breathlessly.

"We've gotta get out of here," Callen said.

"And call a witch doctor," Deeks agreed. "Everybody out!"

"I told you so!" Kensi said furiously as he pushed her toward the front door. "Next time listen to your wife!"

"And to all a goodnight!" Deeks said, slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

A/N: I literally cannot even with myself. Happy holidays to all those celebrating. Don't buy creepy stuff off of Etsy.


	6. Valentine's Day 2020

A/N: Couldn't let the day go by without throwing together something for our fave couple on Valentine's Day. This one is inspired by my recent foray into Trivia Night. Enjoy!

* * *

"Oh my god. Oh. My. God." Deeks sat at his desk in the tiny back office of the Squid and Dagger, head in his hands as he stared at the computer in front of him.

"Babe? You back here?" Kensi's voice floated toward him but all he could do was continue to look blankly at the screen until she finally came and found him. "Hey, what's going on?"

He turned to look at her, his hair mussed from frantically running his hands through it, eyes slightly wide with panic. "It's over."

"What's over?" she asked.

"Valentine's Day. It's done. It's caput. Finito."

"Deeks, what are you talking about?" Kensi asked in the calm tone she reserved especially for her husband when he was spinning out over unreasonable things.

"I've ruined Valentine's Day," he said it in a pained whisper. "It's a mess. The whole thing."

"Deeks. Martin. Babe. Calm down," Kensi said. "It can't possibly be as bad as all that."

"Oh it is. It is as bad as all that. It's worse." He shook his head.

"Well why don't you tell me about it and we'll see what we can come up with. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's fixable."

"Fixable? Fixable. Right. You know the wine order? The one with all the special, sparkly wines with the fancy French names? It's not here. I asked Derek to check the other night when the rest of the inventory came in. And apparently he didn't. So I didn't find out until I got here tonight."

"Okay, that's not great, but it's not a Valentine's deal breaker."

Deeks shook his head. "The computer updated itself and dropped half the reservations. Two of the bartenders quit and the last one called in sick. And the woman who was coming to run the RomCom trivia got a corpse gig on CSI so she's not coming." He slumped in the chair. "We've got eighty people coming here in two hours and the whole thing is a disaster. We're done. This will ruin us. The Facebook comments alone will shut us down within two weeks."

"Honey, nobody goes on Facebook anymore."

"Maybe we can still cancel. It'll be bad, but not as bad as having everyone show up with no wine, no service, and no entertainment."

"We're not cancelling."

"Kensi, I don't think you really understand the situation we're in here!"

"Yes, as a Federal Agent I have no idea what it's like to be in a high pressure environment when everything is going down the toilet," she said dryly.

"We only have," he looked at his watch, "one hour and fifty-seven minutes to fix things. That's not enough time to hire another bartender. Or get the wine or new entertainment. And the reservation list is gone forever."

"Deeks. Love of my life," Kensi put her hands on his shoulders. "Would you please listen to me? I think I know something that might help."

Deeks firmly grasped her wrists and pushed her away, his eyes serious. "Baby, I love you so much, and you look sexy as hell in that red dress, and I really, _really_ want to take it off you but now is NOT. THE. TIME."

"Oh my god," Kensi rolled her eyes. "As delightful as having sexy time with you in this teeny, tiny, smelly bar office sounds, that is not what I meant. I can help. With all of this."

"Seriously?" He looked skeptical, something she would remind him of later when they finally did get to some Valentine sexy time.

"Yeah. Seriously. Call Nell. She worked as a bartender in college. She and Eric were planning on coming anyway, I'm sure they won't mind helping out. He can take a look at the computer and try to fix the reservation issue. If you stay behind the bar with Nell and have Bertie run service we'll be fine."

"Okay," Deeks said slowly.

"Then call Hetty. She can get you the wine."

"But we'll owe her a favor." It was a mark of how well they both knew Hetty that he didn't question how their boss could procure said wine on such short notice.

"No _you_ will owe her a favor. Do you want the special sparkly wine or not?"

"Point taken. Call Hetty, sign over first born child. Got it. But what about trivia? The people coming are all diehards. Only true romcom devotees choose to go to trivia night on Valentine's Day."

"Well," she slid onto his lap, looping an arm around his neck, "that is a tricky one. If only you knew someone who has watched 'Love Actually' every Christmas since 2003. Someone who can quote the entirety of 'Sleepless in Seattle' and paid a lot of money to go on a tour of famous romcom movie sites in New York the last time she was there."

He blinked at her. "You?"

"I'm honestly a little offended you didn't ask me in the first place."

"Are you sure? That's not going to be a very romantic evening for you."

"It'll be fun. Besides," she leaned close to whisper in his ear as she trailed a hand up his thigh, "I think we can find a way to make up for it later."

His sharp intake of breath told her she'd accomplished exactly what she'd wanted to. She'd drop a few hints later about the lacy underwear she was wearing to give him some incentive to close up quickly at the end of the night. Or maybe just leave the cleanup until tomorrow altogether.

She gave him a peck on the lips and then sashayed to the door. "Call Nell. Then Hetty. I'll go check and make sure the kitchen is ready for all these hungry lovebirds then start setting up the sound system."

"You're my favorite Valentine. You know that right?" Deeks called as she walked away.

She turned back and gave him a saucy smile. "Oh, I know."

* * *

A/N: At this point I assume Hetty is capable of anything, including getting fancy wine on short notice. Leave your love in the reviews!


End file.
